The Cookout
by Sparen
Summary: A giant cookout in Seireitei with Orihime, Szayel, and Matsumoto. Who will crash first and what will go wrong? Read and find out! Rated T for minor disturbing parts.


The Cookout

Notes: I do not own Bleach or any of the characters in this fic. To my readers, I'm sorry if it's not funny.

"Welcome, Kurosaki-Kun!" Orihime said, welcoming Ichigo into the park where Seireitei was having a massive cookout. The Espada and many other arrancar were also present. Yumichika and Cuuhlhourne were arguing about Seaweed in a corner while Byakuya sat at a stand waiting for someone to eat his Wakame Ambassador taiyaki. Nobody came.

Matsumoto was stirring in her pot and strange odors arose. Isane silently shuddered at the food that Matsumoto was cooking and Nel helped herself to some tea nearby. Then she spotted Ichigo.

"ICHIGO!"

Nel crashed into Ichigo and bear-hugged him. She spilt her tea and Rukia (along with six hundred other shinigami) stared. Ichigo, five minutes later, was released, out cold. Orihime came over and said, "I'll make some curry ice cream to wake him up!" Matsumoto went off with her to a stand where Szayel was making a bowl of living deformity (quote Pandagirl820). Nanao carefully examined it from a safe distance away.

Tōshirō and Hinamori walked by a stand labeled "Hit the Dondochakka!" Pesche busily threw pies at Dondochakka's face. He failed to dodge. Then Orihime came up and delivered a curry pie with a raw fish on top. Pesche threw it, chuckling, and the tent was in flames in seconds. Harribel just "happened to be there" and quickly put it out, leaving a mangled Dondochakka out cold.

Matsumoto returned to her pot, where Kira was lying, drunk, on the ground. Hisagi failed to wake him up, and a spoon of Matsumoto's cooking entered Kira's mouth.

There was dead silence as Kira puked onto the ground, fully awake. Orihime giggled as she handed out "normal food" to some shinigami, who worried for their sanity.

Meanwhile, Soifon and Grimmjow watched a cat performance. Soifon watched Yoruichi while Grimmjow yawned. Byakuya and Renji returned to the grand stage, where the main event was about to take place.

After a moment of silence, Unohana spoke up. She busily began to speak. "We will now commence with the cooking competition. Our tasters are Yachiru, Chōjirō, Ōmaeda, Shunsui, Yumichika, Rukia, Ichigo, and Coyote. Out fabulous chefs are Orihime, Hinamori, Szayel, Tessai, Matsumoto, and of course, myself."

The tasters turned purple as they heard the chefs' names.

"Our first course is a three part appetizer. First, Hinamori's cookies. Next, my healthy chocolate. Third, Tessai's shrimp cocktail. Please enjoy."

The crowd turned white when "cookie" and "Hinamori" sunk in. Nanao remembered the cookies shaped like Aizen's glasses, and collapsed. Nemu arrived and Nanao enjoyed a very spicy pepper dipped in curry sauce by Orihime's recommendation. She regretted fainting afterwards.

The course was served. The cookies were normal (everyone breathed a big sigh of relief) and the cocktail was also very… normal, with the exception that the shrimp were rather… how should I put it… living?

Yachiru downed it in a flash and yelled, "DELICIOUS!" The other tasters refused to eat the cocktail. Tessai promptly forced them to eat and they cowered from his glare. Ichigo blinked at the eaten meal, having been bruised all across his face. Rukia destroyed hers with one of her dances, saving her from annihilation.

Next came "Salad," and the cook was Orihime.

A frightening bowl of lettuce covered in curry and red bean paste was met by absolute horror. "Curry dressing?" Chōjirō wondered. Of course, he was ignored. Yachiru enthusiastically downed it in a flash and smiled afterwards. The tasters enjoyed a spoonful each and began to sweat.

Lilynette drilled Coyote's bowl onto his face. He coughed violently as he begged for water. Nemu did the same and all of the other participants, besides Yachiru, were rendered unconscious for a while.

Upon regaining consciousness, Szayel's main course, "chicken," was passed around. Orihime and Matsumoto ate happily. The greenish-brown chunky "meal" was soon on people's plates.

Yachiru ate some and happily wolfed down the rest. The others looked as if they were being tortured. Nemu drilled the second division Lieutenant and the others ate, not wanting to be drilled in the face. They puked later on, but another course was still to be passed around.

Finally came Matsumoto's triple chocolate ice cream cake with giant boob shaped piles of icing on top. It was cut up and each slice was bigger than Yachiru. Nevertheless, Yachiru managed to swallow it without exploding. (Even though the pie was bigger than Hachigen) Yachiru yelled "MORE!" as the others began to eat the delicious but marvelously unhealthy cake. Shunsui refused to eat more, so Nanao told him that it had sake in it. He wolfed it down like a maniac and Ichigo glared.

Afterwards, Yachiru went on to eat the Ikebana Club's edible flowers and Orihime prepared her curry set for another terrifying combo with Matsumoto.

And so the day ended with Matsumoto's favorite sake going into a curry and Dondochakka going on a mad rampage, breathing fire wherever he trampled.

Above, the Captain Commander, Captain Komamura, Lieutenant Iba, and Captain Zaraki looked on as Mayuri began to experiment on the food. The Captain Commander calmly stated, "Looks like some people had some fun."

The End

For Some Extra Humor...

Below are the the weird results of the Zanpakutō Poll that was held; some of the more obscure ones are shown. (all of these are 64th Place- Source: Bleach Wiki)

Nanao Ise's glasses-suspension

Ulquiorra's eyeball

Ulquiorra's nails

Karin's Soccer Ball

"G'mornin' I'chigo~!"

Hinamori's "Glasses Cookie"

Rangiku Matsumoto's chest


End file.
